Spam Your Way Through Valentine’s Day
Hey lovebirds, it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s time to get your mush on. Yey!
I know Susan is over there rolling her eyes and wearing her anti-Valentine’s Day shirt and grunting, but that’s because she doesn’t have a soul. I heart Valentine’s Day. And not just because I’m a sucker for all things swoon-worthy and good (though I am), but because it transforms my spam folder from a haven for sexual performing enhancement drugs to a collection of heartfelt love messages sent especially to me from strangers.
Here’s a fun sample of some of the love letters I’ve received this week from secret admirers. Feel free to steal some of these gems and use them to woo your beloved and put them under cupid’s spell.
(Disclaimer: Use at your own risk. I am not responsible for any Valentine’s Day babies. Or breakups.)
"You Stay In My Heart" [There’s nowhere I’d rather be, hot stuff!]
"You’re My Valentine" [Gimme my chocolate!]
"Think Of U All Day" [Aw, then I won’t bash you for your elementary school spelling and grammar]
"Powerful Love" [blush]
"Love Train" [Choo, choo!!]
"Me & You" [it’s you and me and all other people, and I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you…]
"Love Rose 4 U" [Ooo, my very own love rose.]
"Is Anything Beautiful As A Rose?" [More beautiful than my love rose? No way!]
"Heart Pump" [Um, now you’re kind of freaking me out. Leave.]
"Got a date for Valentine’s Day?" [Sorry. Try Susan.] [I’m washing my hair. –Susan]
"Find a cutie that you’re compatible with." [Can you find me a shaved head with sleeve tats? Those are my favorite!]
"A Heart Wish…A Poem About Us" [If it’s about heart pumps, I don’t want to hear it.]
"Sweetest Things Aren’t Things…Phone Love" [Hmm, I think I saw a Dateline special about phone love, Mr. LoveMeLoveMyCat2840]
"You’re Super Sweet" [I know, right!]
"Valentine Dad" [Er, dads need not apply. I have my own baggage.]
"I Like You" [Who wouldn’t?]
"With all my love" [With all your love what? With all your love, here’s my valencookie?]
"Smiley Kiss" [What the hell is a smiley kiss?]
"Love Poem" [Heart pump!]
Hee. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. Make it a good one.