How to Survive Thanksgiving 2006 (aka your Wednesday Recap)
I don’t know how to tell you this, but due to the holiday there will be no Friday Recap this week. I know, I know, but you’ll be okay, I promise.
In its place, I offer you a few goodies and some advice to help you optimize your Thanksgiving experience while you’re
strapped seated next to your lovely family who you purposely haven’t seen all year at this year’s Thanksgiving table. Hopefully there’s enough here to keep you smiling until its time for pie.
Now, before you leave work today, make sure to set your email auto-responder. This will make people think you have a life and they will be less inclined to get angry when you ignore their emails for several days. If you haven’t yet penned your own, may I point you to Jeremy’s? He captures the holiday spirit quite well. I haven’t created mine yet, but when I do I imagine it will have something to do with being submerged in pie and possibly something about needing a shovel. But I’m just guessing.
If you’re reading this sweating shamelessly because you just now realized you forgot to buy the turkey, don’t worry. Just go and grab the largest one you can find and bring it home. If you can’t find a turkey, get a really big chicken (super-sized guinea pig?). Trust me, after inhaling all that tension, no one will know the difference.
If you’re worried that your chicken secret will be discovered, the solution is easy – start up the deep fryer! First, it’s trendy, and second, once a dead animal has been submerged in 30 quarts of grease and oil, everything tastes like chicken anyway. If you’ve never deep fried a once-living animal before, Make Zine offers complete DIY instructions. Apparently there’s a ladder involved…and occasionally a fire extinguisher.
That should get you to the table. Once you’re there you have to play smart.
The trick is to look like you’re paying attention to as many table conversations as possible. If people think you’re drifting they’ll try to start a conversation with you. This should be avoided at all costs.
If you feel yourself wandering off during the countless regurgitation of the same Thanksgiving folklore, hold fast. Try recalling Stuntdubl’s Pubcon 2006 RoundUp post in your mind and make a game out of pairing up the elusive hyperlinked first names with their respective Web personas. This is sure to fill at least 42 minutes. If that doesn’t work, think about how cool the Scooba is, how obsessed Cuttletts can be, or how you wish you were bowling in the Kingpin suite with Danny Sullivan. [Danny and I have the same average. I feel this gives me all kinds of Search Guru cred. –Susan]
If someone is rude enough to try and make idle conversation with you, don’t panic. Calmly ask them for their thoughts on that 17-year-old in Michigan who created a nuclear fusion reactor in his basement. End it with, "crazy, huh?" Or instead, go into a rant about how the atrocious abuse of the quotation mark and apostrophe really makes you want to hurt someone. This will immediately end people’s interest in your life. [Unless you’re in my family. Then it could be cause for a whole family grammar nit-picking session. Know your audience, folks. –Susan]
Even though no one will be talking to you, there may still be times where, to appear polite, you must laugh at things that are blatantly not funny. This is where you tune them out and think of immensely funny things, like giggling-out-of-control babies or a baby hanging on the wall that could easily be converted into a projectile baby with a hearty pull. [I’m so disturbed at you right now. –Susan] – Projectile baby rocks!
When it’s time to look pensive, contemplate what SEW is going to do after losing almost its entire cast, how you’re going to get unbanned in MSN or how cool Matt Cutts is for only going to PubCon parties where everyone is invited. Way to keep it real, Matt.
If all else fails, suddenly discover your deep love for all things football while accidently "falling asleep" on the couch. Be sure to snore every once and awhile to make it look convincing.
For even more advice on surviving the day, Ze Frank also offers some suggestions that are worth checking out.
I hope you all have a most wonderful Thanksgiving. We’ll see you on Monday!